Ah, Oui!
A new boy, apparently of French parentage, has joined the Form 6/7 Class. Hopefully he proves more durable than the late Ju-Ju, who passed away recently after 4 harrowing weeks with us!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Lolly Scramble (26/6/09)
The Mysterious Mystery.
I saw his face contort itself into a visage of such wonder, such confusion, and such anguish as can hardly be described. Mr B lifted his discombobulated eyes to our impenetrable faces, which were the very images of innocence. The boys glanced at one another in their benevolent, simple way, each asking the silent question to the other "Why is he so distressed after viewing the contents of his drawer?"
Then Mr B broke this silent correspondence with a verbal sentence of such eloquence and fine grammatical fervor that mine eyes do water as I type it: "Who, dear students, support of my later years, aid in my dotage, joy of my antiquated condition, you who are as dear to me as the very hairs on my head, you who are the very reason for which I live, who, my dear innocents, has been in my lolly drawer, and has partaken of that sweet repast which lies therein?"
Dumbfounded, flabbergasted, disconcerted, we glanced most uncertainly at each other, our eyes full of dark confusion and bitter disarray. Who, we wondered, who could have done this dreadfully direful deed? What manner of man was he who would bend so low as to take from our kindly teacher the very source of his happiness and joy? What pernicious fiend, what demon, what spirit from Hades could dare to to practically murder this kindly man, who had never wronged an ant, much less a fellow man?
As we wiped back the tears of sympathy from our reddened eyes, a sudden light dawned on our clouded world, and we descried the evildoer as he passed to the other classroom! At once all thought of pity, all will toward forgiveness, all Christian charity flew out the window as we saw the man who caused such suffering, such torment, such demonic ruin, in our once peaceful school. And without waiting for a moment, lest this evil continue to plague the earth, we denounced him to our suffering teacher. "Dear Mr B," we cried all at once (such was our emotion that it broke through our natural respect of eachother's speech), "Mr B, teacher of teachers, lord of the lolly, bringer of goodfortune, and all the rest, dear Mr B, 'twas Mr P, aye, that man whom you just descried, 'twas he who stole thine vittles!" "Yes, Mr B, he tore the packet open, and 'fore we could halt his dreadful feed, all the sweets were gorged down unto the very last!" Mr B stood before us... the judgement was for him to make, and it dismayed us that he should have to take this task unto himself. Thus we sought to aid him in his judgement. "Flog him!" cried one youth. "Burn him!" cried another. "Lynch him!" cried a third, and then there was a silence, for Mr B looked us in the eye, and to us this he said "I say let the judgement be on his head, and I pray for a miracle to save me from this plight!" We agreed most wholeheartedly.
And LO! next day, when entered we the school, a grin did smile upon us, and thus we asked our benevolent teacher "Why so?" And he tore the drawer from his desk in one movement, and showed us the inside. And it was filled as with a hundred bags of lollies, and then we smiled too.
I saw his face contort itself into a visage of such wonder, such confusion, and such anguish as can hardly be described. Mr B lifted his discombobulated eyes to our impenetrable faces, which were the very images of innocence. The boys glanced at one another in their benevolent, simple way, each asking the silent question to the other "Why is he so distressed after viewing the contents of his drawer?"
Then Mr B broke this silent correspondence with a verbal sentence of such eloquence and fine grammatical fervor that mine eyes do water as I type it: "Who, dear students, support of my later years, aid in my dotage, joy of my antiquated condition, you who are as dear to me as the very hairs on my head, you who are the very reason for which I live, who, my dear innocents, has been in my lolly drawer, and has partaken of that sweet repast which lies therein?"
Dumbfounded, flabbergasted, disconcerted, we glanced most uncertainly at each other, our eyes full of dark confusion and bitter disarray. Who, we wondered, who could have done this dreadfully direful deed? What manner of man was he who would bend so low as to take from our kindly teacher the very source of his happiness and joy? What pernicious fiend, what demon, what spirit from Hades could dare to to practically murder this kindly man, who had never wronged an ant, much less a fellow man?
As we wiped back the tears of sympathy from our reddened eyes, a sudden light dawned on our clouded world, and we descried the evildoer as he passed to the other classroom! At once all thought of pity, all will toward forgiveness, all Christian charity flew out the window as we saw the man who caused such suffering, such torment, such demonic ruin, in our once peaceful school. And without waiting for a moment, lest this evil continue to plague the earth, we denounced him to our suffering teacher. "Dear Mr B," we cried all at once (such was our emotion that it broke through our natural respect of eachother's speech), "Mr B, teacher of teachers, lord of the lolly, bringer of goodfortune, and all the rest, dear Mr B, 'twas Mr P, aye, that man whom you just descried, 'twas he who stole thine vittles!" "Yes, Mr B, he tore the packet open, and 'fore we could halt his dreadful feed, all the sweets were gorged down unto the very last!" Mr B stood before us... the judgement was for him to make, and it dismayed us that he should have to take this task unto himself. Thus we sought to aid him in his judgement. "Flog him!" cried one youth. "Burn him!" cried another. "Lynch him!" cried a third, and then there was a silence, for Mr B looked us in the eye, and to us this he said "I say let the judgement be on his head, and I pray for a miracle to save me from this plight!" We agreed most wholeheartedly.
And LO! next day, when entered we the school, a grin did smile upon us, and thus we asked our benevolent teacher "Why so?" And he tore the drawer from his desk in one movement, and showed us the inside. And it was filled as with a hundred bags of lollies, and then we smiled too.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Blah (5/3/09)
Mysterious Flames Flare Furiously
'Twas long ago, in ages scarcely remembered by mortal man, a time of mythical creatures and fantastic legends... aye, 'twas last year. Yon was a time when the mighty Izak wandered the earth in search of his yearnings, in search of the secret of... of... ooh, you're on the edge of your seat, I know... the secret of... the suspense is awful... well, Izak was searching long and lengthily for this secret, and, at length, after years and decades, after travelling through ancient Greece, mighty Rome, magnificent Constantinople, incredible Wanganui, and numerous other empires of astounding grandeur, the mighty Izak quite unexpectedly, quite accidentally, rather surpisingly, rather suddenly, yes, Izak stumbled on the Secret... the Secret of... of... of... Fire! Yes, dear Reader,the mighty wanderer had discovered one of the earliest and commonest tools of Man... he had found the Secret of Fire! But our hero, though of stable structure and manageable might was nevertheless unprepared for the next enlightenment... the Secret of... of... Petrol! Aye, 'twas a day of unceasing wonder and increasing knowledge for this caveman of old... Untrained, uneducated, uncultured as he was. He went about in his cavey-way, and first stumbled on the Secret of Fire, (yes, literally! Let me explain). He stumbled over a box of matches, which inexplicably opened, allowing a match to extricate itself, bounce on the earth 2.5 times, strike the match-box, and ignite. "Ooh", he grunted in a mixed up mixture of fear, wonder, eggs, flour, sugar, vanilla-essence, and astonishment. Crawling around the lit match cautiously, he finally approached the flaming creature. "Ugh!" he muttered. "Spit, sput!" answered the match. "Ugh, ut!" growled the brazen warrior, as he advanced on the bright phenomenon. Now here is the amazing part of amazement... our hero, this superhuman, this most powerful and brave (and slightly stupid) of men stretched forth his hand, and, in an act of unequalled bravery, he courageously snatched up the flaring match, which was drawing near to the end of its short life. Now here is the stupid part of stupidity... our hero, who, let us bear in mind, was the most powerful and brave man who ever lived, Izak held this expiring match between his forefinger and thumb. And we all know what happens when you do that! "Owoo! Owaa!" shrieked (but still retaining all of his power and bravery) Izak. And here is the fatal part of fatality... for Izak was soon to learn of another, and far more wonderous Secret...
The match was flung through the air in slow-motion (all portentous things do, if you've seen any movies), and it spun on its axis, the still glowing flame grinning all the while. The petrol was still for a split-second after the potent match landed. Then, as it ignited, Izak grunted "OooHOO!" (He may also have grunted "Ugh", but this is unrecorded, and is open to debate). Anyway, the fact of the matter is that the petrol was suddenly feeding a nice big conflagration. At first, Izak was overjoyed at the seemingly-successful outcome of his experiments... but then his mighty brow darkened, and, muttering "Ugh grah", he became immensely dismayed, for the fire spread itself like butter over bread, and engulfed his mummies shed. "Oog!" grumbled our hero as he ran aimlessly in futile directions, muttering all the while.
Well, to make a long story even longer, I'll carry on...
The shed was wrapped in flames ofa ferocious ferocity, feeding on the fullness of the petrol. Meanwhile Sue glanced out of the window by mere chance. She saw Izak, on all fours, jumping mindlessly around grunting "oog Ugh Fireugh" at the top of his brave and powerful voice. This would be enough to drive anyone insane, but the burning shed and having lived with Izak for 17 long years made Sue's head explode in righteous indignation...
"Izak!" she yelled. "Oog? OOG!" he screamed as his mum grabbed the paintball gun. Izak was severely punished on the spot, and (unfortunately) (and surprisingly) lived to tell the legend of his life...
'Twas long ago, in ages scarcely remembered by mortal man, a time of mythical creatures and fantastic legends... aye, 'twas last year. Yon was a time when the mighty Izak wandered the earth in search of his yearnings, in search of the secret of... of... ooh, you're on the edge of your seat, I know... the secret of... the suspense is awful... well, Izak was searching long and lengthily for this secret, and, at length, after years and decades, after travelling through ancient Greece, mighty Rome, magnificent Constantinople, incredible Wanganui, and numerous other empires of astounding grandeur, the mighty Izak quite unexpectedly, quite accidentally, rather surpisingly, rather suddenly, yes, Izak stumbled on the Secret... the Secret of... of... of... Fire! Yes, dear Reader,the mighty wanderer had discovered one of the earliest and commonest tools of Man... he had found the Secret of Fire! But our hero, though of stable structure and manageable might was nevertheless unprepared for the next enlightenment... the Secret of... of... Petrol! Aye, 'twas a day of unceasing wonder and increasing knowledge for this caveman of old... Untrained, uneducated, uncultured as he was. He went about in his cavey-way, and first stumbled on the Secret of Fire, (yes, literally! Let me explain). He stumbled over a box of matches, which inexplicably opened, allowing a match to extricate itself, bounce on the earth 2.5 times, strike the match-box, and ignite. "Ooh", he grunted in a mixed up mixture of fear, wonder, eggs, flour, sugar, vanilla-essence, and astonishment. Crawling around the lit match cautiously, he finally approached the flaming creature. "Ugh!" he muttered. "Spit, sput!" answered the match. "Ugh, ut!" growled the brazen warrior, as he advanced on the bright phenomenon. Now here is the amazing part of amazement... our hero, this superhuman, this most powerful and brave (and slightly stupid) of men stretched forth his hand, and, in an act of unequalled bravery, he courageously snatched up the flaring match, which was drawing near to the end of its short life. Now here is the stupid part of stupidity... our hero, who, let us bear in mind, was the most powerful and brave man who ever lived, Izak held this expiring match between his forefinger and thumb. And we all know what happens when you do that! "Owoo! Owaa!" shrieked (but still retaining all of his power and bravery) Izak. And here is the fatal part of fatality... for Izak was soon to learn of another, and far more wonderous Secret...
The match was flung through the air in slow-motion (all portentous things do, if you've seen any movies), and it spun on its axis, the still glowing flame grinning all the while. The petrol was still for a split-second after the potent match landed. Then, as it ignited, Izak grunted "OooHOO!" (He may also have grunted "Ugh", but this is unrecorded, and is open to debate). Anyway, the fact of the matter is that the petrol was suddenly feeding a nice big conflagration. At first, Izak was overjoyed at the seemingly-successful outcome of his experiments... but then his mighty brow darkened, and, muttering "Ugh grah", he became immensely dismayed, for the fire spread itself like butter over bread, and engulfed his mummies shed. "Oog!" grumbled our hero as he ran aimlessly in futile directions, muttering all the while.
Well, to make a long story even longer, I'll carry on...
The shed was wrapped in flames ofa ferocious ferocity, feeding on the fullness of the petrol. Meanwhile Sue glanced out of the window by mere chance. She saw Izak, on all fours, jumping mindlessly around grunting "oog Ugh Fireugh" at the top of his brave and powerful voice. This would be enough to drive anyone insane, but the burning shed and having lived with Izak for 17 long years made Sue's head explode in righteous indignation...
"Izak!" she yelled. "Oog? OOG!" he screamed as his mum grabbed the paintball gun. Izak was severely punished on the spot, and (unfortunately) (and surprisingly) lived to tell the legend of his life...
Intro to the Blah
Hello,
Welcome to the Blah, the most comprehensive newspaper on the planet. We supply the world with true stories of incontingent happenings on a global scale. Readers will feel the better for having read this blog. Enjoy!
Welcome to the Blah, the most comprehensive newspaper on the planet. We supply the world with true stories of incontingent happenings on a global scale. Readers will feel the better for having read this blog. Enjoy!
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